


i would do it again (oh, a thousand times)

by bugabisous (mariafernanda)



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Canon Compliant, Episode: s03 Desperada, F/M, Heroic Adrien Agreste, Ladrien | Adrien Agreste/Marinette Dupain-Cheng as Ladybug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2021-02-25 05:48:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21691207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariafernanda/pseuds/bugabisous
Summary: Knowing you can bring someone back doesn’t mean you’re free of the pain of seeing them disappear before your eyes. He can’t imagine he’ll be able to look at her directly without replaying every horrifying moment when he felt her slip away in a puff of smoke.When it happens once again, he already knows he’ll be trying again. He just can’t give up.
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug
Comments: 20
Kudos: 103





	i would do it again (oh, a thousand times)

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I certainly never expected to get back into writing fic, and certainly not about a show targeted at children. But here I am. I blame Anouk, for throwing me into this pit.
> 
> (Also: No beta, and I didn't read it over too much because I would start second guessing my decision to post it, so sorry for any horrible typos and other mistakes!)
> 
> Tittle is from the song 1000x by Jarryd James.

**1.**

There is nothing quite like the rush of hearing her laugh at his joke. It’s silly, he knows, to feel this exhilarated for something that has been known to happen occasionally, but it feels different with the weight of the knowledge that she knows it’s him, Adrien. He wants her to feel like she can count on him, not only as Chat Noir, but _always._

So he takes her by the hand to help her climb up, ignores the warnings Plagg ranted at him, and decides that he will show her how great they can be together. He wants her to like him, _Adrien_ , in the off-chance that she’ll ever agree to reveal their identities to each other or, by some twist of fate, they accidentally get thrown into that great unknown. He would never want to disappoint her, so he won’t.

_He won’t._

.

.

**17.**

He won’t let himself feel disheartened by the fact that he has already failed her sixteen times. He can’t let himself think of her eyes if she knew that he hasn’t tried just once before, but _sixteen times_ ; she would think he’s useless, not worthy of her attention, and certainly not worthy of being her partner.

He briefly considers going back, just telling her he can’t do it and fall back into the familiar rhythm of their easy banter, her rolling her eyes at his antics, him jumping in front of her to save her.

He thinks that’s what throws him off the most: The fact that he _can’t_ take the fall for her. He has to think of saving himself, to be able to use the second chance, he has to go against his every instinct that screams at him to just jump into the fire for her.

He looks at her smiling eyes, hears her tinkling laugh, _“I love your sense of humor,”_ she says, and he believes her, and his tongue burns with the words he can’t say.

_I love you._

.

.

**99.**

This is the last time he’ll try. He can’t bear to lose her one more time, he just can’t. Each time the yellow mist envelops her, he feels as if his heart has crumbled to dust inside his chest. _If she feels even an ounce of this pain each time I take the fall for her_ , he thinks, _then I know why she gets so mad at me for being reckless._

He had had no idea how it felt, seeing your partner fall into the akuma’s hands, standing alone and having to keep moving because, at the moment, you were Paris’ last hope. All those times when he sacrificed himself rush to his mind and, while he doesn’t regret any of it, he suddenly feels as if he understands Ladybug a bit better.

Knowing you can bring someone back doesn’t mean you’re free of the pain of seeing them disappear before your eyes. He can’t imagine he’ll be able to look at her directly without replaying every horrifying moment when he felt her slip away in a puff of smoke.

When it happens once again, he already knows he’ll be trying again. He just can’t give up.

.

.

**347.**

For her, it’s the second time they’re trying this. He’s tried this particular strategy seven times already, as it seems to be a favorite of hers. He doesn’t want to tell her how many times he’s failed, so he readies himself to the inevitability of her capture, and vows to not let her shining blue eyes convince him of trying this yet again.

When she’s trapped by Desperada, all the little moments she won’t remember flash through his mind. Her charmed smile while she holds the rose, holding her hand as he pulled her out of the line of fire and seeing her starstruck eyes, the way she smiled at him when telling him that she knew they’d be an awesome team…

Her shocked gasp nearly each time she was captured. The sinking feeling in his stomach that kept echoing his failures, Plagg’s teasing that has increasingly started feeling like a cruel joke.

_Second chance._

.

.

**831.**

It’s not the first time he has held her like this. While saving Paris, personal space isn’t the priority, and, in a way, he’s used to it: Chat Noir and Ladybug are a team, and they’re comfortable with one another. It makes sense.

But why does she look at him like that when he pulls her closer? Are her eyes always this bright? Is her smile always this radiant? The change is subtle, but it’s there. And a part of him wonders if she somehow remembers the previous tries, without knowing it, or if there’s something beneath the surface that he’s missing.

He seems to be missing a lot, lately. Like, for example, Desperada when she comes from the side and captures Ladybug once more.

.

.

**1788.**

_This is the most ridiculous plan yet_ , he thinks, but that doesn’t exactly stop him for repeating it on tries 2003, 5927 and 14472.

Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it, it’s said, and no one is more doomed than Adrien at that moment, because each time he tells himself that he won’t try again, that once he resets time he will detransform and come back as Chat Noir, and each time she looks at him and smiles that beautiful smile of hers and he just smiles back like an idiot and keeps trying.

He might be tired, but he’ll never get tired of her smile. In a way, all these tiny moments he has spent with her are just making him fall harder. There is something about working with her when she knows who he is behind the mask, something that he can’t quite put a finger on, that makes him feel more alive than ever.

He thinks he’s becoming addicted to that something. If only he knew what it was.

.

.

**14473.**

As they run together down the streets of Paris, he thinks that perhaps a reckless mistake is what it will take for them to win. And so, it spills from his lips:

“You know, Ladybug, I’m actually also Chat Noir and I’ve been in love with you since our eyes first met,” he says, half hoping that they defeat Desperada now even if Ladybug will be incredibly mad at him, half hoping they don’t so that he doesn’t have to deal with her inevitable disappointment.

The look of shock on her face as he spoke is engraved on his mind forever. And he can’t help but analyze the way her parted lips exhaled as the information washed over her, the way her eyes seemed to shine for a second, as if…

As if a part of her liked the idea. Which is ridiculous, because why would she?

.

.

**15398.**

It probably goes without saying that it’s getting harder to see her get captured every single time. No matter what he tries, whether it’s simple or convoluted, the result is always the same. By now he has weeks of memories with her that she won’t ever remember, and they _hurt_.

She will never remember holding his hand during his 6378th try, or her earnest smile when he told her red was definitely her color during his seventh try, or the way it felt when he held her to his chest in a dozen stolen moments that he doesn’t get to keep, that will live only in his memory, if at all.

Moments that are special, but also blurring together at an alarming rate. Moments piling up; minutes, hours, days, that she’ll never even know existed where she was by his side. A cumulation of small intervals that ultimately add up to nothing except his love for her. Now, that, just keeps growing without any signs of stopping and, to be quite honest, he never wants it to stop.

The yellow mist clouds his vision for a second, and then he’s reaching for the miraculous once more.

.

.

**19253.**

He shouldn’t be keeping count anymore. What’s the point, except torturing himself? But he can’t stop it. Like a mockingbird constantly singing in his ear, each number adding to the weight of his failures.

He needs to do this. He knows she wouldn’t hold his failure against him, and that she doesn’t even need to know about, but he feels as if he won’t be able to live with himself if he doesn’t defeat Desperada as Aspik. It’s not a matter of pride, not really, but more like he wants to believe that _he’s_ the one that makes the difference for her, not Plagg and the cat miraculous.

He wants to know that in every universe he would be the perfect partner for her, because he knows there’s no version of reality where there’s a better Ladybug for him than this one. Perhaps it’s childish to cling to the hope that they’re really as meant to be as his heart wants to believe they are, but he can’t help himself.

He pushes her out of the way, slipping back into old patterns, following his instincts, and for a second he thinks that Desperada hasn’t had the time to recover to fire another shot, but deep down he always knew that it was a dumb hope.

He wonders if he’ll be able to see the color yellow without hearing faint music ringing in his ears and seeing the shape of her dissolve to nothing, like dust in the wind.

.

.

**21001.**

He plans to tell her that he can’t do this anymore as soon as he opens his eyes. But his mouth has decided to not catch up with his mind and just blurt out, as if it was a great idea:

“I love you.”

Her eyes widen, her mouth drops open and he resets time once again.

.

.

**23635.**

He sits down immediately, not even bothering to look her in the eyes. He lies against the wall, eyes closed, and blocks out the noise.

She must be confused, he knows, as to why he has suddenly decided to take quick moment to rest, but he can’t bring himself to deal with it. He just sits there, like a useless waste of space, ignores his Lady, and then resets time once more.

.

.

**23636.**

“…you can go back in time as many times as you want,” she’s saying. He’s about to tell her that he can’t do it anymore, when he makes a fatal mistake:

He opens his eyes, turns around and looks into hers, and is pulled back in, helpless under the intensity of her stare. Have her eyes always been this piercing? At risk of sounding cliché, they’re like the deep ocean; Beautiful, but deadly under the calm of the surface.

And so he goes with her again.

.

.

**25913.**

It’s been four minutes.

There’s a car in the street, the driver blissfully unaware of the fact that there’s an akuma around. The woman seems to humming along to whatever tune she’s listening on her car’s radio, and Desperada looks at the street from her vantage point on a rooftop right above said car. It’s a nice distraction, one they didn’t have before because it’s one of the few times when he they have been in this particular area when the timer is nearly done, and they intend to use it.

Ladybug is close to her, closing in on the akumatized object, when it happens.

Desperada captures the woman in the car and then turns around. Ladybug, in her haste to avoid being hit by the blast from the trombone, lunges to the left. In a flurry of movement, she leaps off the building, grabs her faithful yoyo and uses it to take hold of one of the window frames so that she can use it as leverage to get back on the rooftop from behind Desperada again and free the akuma.

From the shadows, he watches as her grip falters, and it’s with a growing sense of dread that he realizes that Ladybug is falling, rapidly approaching the ground and he’s too far away to save her.

He has about thirty seconds left. He turns back time.

.

.

**End.**

“…you can go back in time as many times as you want,” she’s saying. He opens his eyes, but doesn’t turn around. When the rush of magic washes over him, he can’t stomach the thought of looking at her. But he has to.

“It didn’t work, I’m so sorry,” he says, feeling suddenly older than he has ever felt, “I wasn’t the right choice for you after all.”

The words taste bitter on his tongue, but there’s no use denying it. He came incredibly close to losing her forever, and that’s something that he would never forgive himself for. He can’t force something that isn’t meant to be, and clearly this wasn’t meant to work out.

25913 times, and all he has to show for it is the deep shame that comes with having failed so incredibly badly.

“Thank you for saving my life so many times, Adrien,” she says, right before she smiles prettily at him and kisses him on the cheek. His skin tingles, his lips part open in surprise, as he feels a familiar emotion take hold of his chest; with his heart hammering, he can’t shake the sense of rightness that came with that gesture, and that’s when he decides that it was all worth it.

As he leaves, a smile on his face, there’s an undeniable truth ringing in his heart, echoing in his ears: He would do it all again.


End file.
